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BUTTPOOP
the movie

Once apon a timereynesstypestuff there lived a badger and his name was senor badgerpants smiggins. One day senorbadgerpantssmiggins (who we shall from this point be referring to as Uki) was warlking down the street and he saw a moose guy, the moose guy stared at Uki with all his might until Uki’s head turned into the giant raspberry flavored dog crap. "nooooo" cried Uki "I not want me head to be the raspberry doggy crapness waaaaaa!". And then he ran off to Wilmington Arizona where he had to live in a bag of deformed kittens to hide his shame from the rest of teh world.

The kittens could understand his plight as they too had to face the horrible-type-ness of being freaky in the head area. One of the kittens had on his very head a waffle iron. But this was no oordinary waffle iron, it was in fact the greatest waffle iron in existence, but nobody would ever know since they would never think of making waffles on a kitty’s head. And so the ultimate waffle power was lost, nobody would ever know of the waffley deliciousness.

Another one of the kittens had 3 ears, his third ear had amazing psychic powers that could see into all the alternate dimensions. Howevah, since it was an ear it could not see and it could only hear, and unfortunately it did not have the power to hear the dimensioney goodness, noooooo!

The 3rd and final kitten looked, smelled and tasted exactly like a tomato and ocelot sammich. Everyone thought he actually was a real tomato and ocelot sammich but he was really a kitten, and his name was Octavius.

Uki was disturbed by his newfound kitteny friends at first but as the weeks went on he eventually grew to accept them and their differences as they did he or something like that. Although everyone still never noticed Octavius, he would just lie there on a floor, being sammichy.

He was so dreadfully lonely and hoped that someone would notice his inner kitten but they never did. Fortuanately for him though nobody ever tried to eat him either as none of them liked tomato and ocelot sammich.

Waffle Kitten loved ocelots but hated tomatos and Ear Kitten loved tomatos but hated ocelots, and Uki, well he would never eat anything but cardboard flamingos. He couldn’t just eat a regular piece of cardboard, it would have to be carved into the shape of a flamingo otherwise he would find it to be quite inedible. So Uki would always keep a pair of scissors by his side for cutting out flamingos for himself to eat with the yummyness.

So as you can tell, at this point Uki and the kittens were living a quite miserable existence. Until one day when Joey the magical time traveling horse came and took them all away to hyper deformity land where they lived happily with others of their own kind yay. All except Octavius of course, since even with all the magicalness Joey had at his disposal, he was not able to sense that Octavius was a kitten and not a sammich. Poor Octavius, he had about all he could stand. He wanted to end his life right then and there, but seeing as he was a sammich, there was really nothing he could do about that. But then something very beavery happened. Octavius was so miserable and angry at the same time that a surge of inner power jolted though him like a yugoslovanian whooping gerbil running through a farm of oxidized can openers. WOOOOOO, Octavius now found that he had all the power of teh universe at his disposal!!! He swore he would get retribution on evvybody who never noticed him. So he immediately tracked down and brutally slaughtered all who ever walked by his residence assuming he was nothing more than a mere sammich.

Now it was time for him to get his revenge on Uki and the other kitties. It only took Octavius a couple seconds to find the miraculous hidden sanctuary that was hyper deformity land, and when he got there he bellowed out that the day of reckoning had arrieved or somthin and he looked over to Uki and shot a magical sammich beam of doomstruction right at his head. But just before the beam hit, Ear Kitten lunged in front of Uki shouting "MEEOOOOOOO" in slow motion like they always do in that stuff with the things. The beam went straight into Ear Kitten’s 3rd ear and into the dimension of rubbery things and bounced off a bunch of rubber chickens and then shot back out of the ear directly at Octavius. BLAAAMM and SPLAT! Octavius’ sammich-style body splattered all over. With his last ounce of strength Octavius transmitted his memories into everyone’s mind and now they all realized his bad bad pain full of the hurties. "Oh no, what have we done!" shouted Uki.

Joey decided to use his "awesoma powah" mega ultimate power of moose to bring Octavius back the way he was always meant to be, as a kitty. However to do this he had to sacrifice himself, and he did, but nobody cared about him anymore since they realized if he had moose powers then that probably meant he was the moose who turned Uki’s head into crap.

So evvyone was happy except Joey who was dead and they all ate waffles made with Waffle Kitten’s special waffle head thingy including special cardboard flamingo versions of the waffles for Uki. And the waffles were so delicious that everyone was paralyzed for all eternity with a feeling of ultimate and perfect ecstasy that nobody had ever experienced before, which was just like all the pleasurable things of life put together and then multiplied by 1000000, which I suppose is a good thing, even though they all remained motionless for the rest of eternity. The end.

--by Nic DeStefano

I added paragraph breaks.

mark@chiptape.com