THE LAST TIME I EVER LOVED A COWBOY
In the year 2345 A.D. the world was changing. All continents had been obliterated by an incident 178 years previous involving a goat and a loaf of garlic bread. The only remaining landmass on Earth was the single state of Utah.
All of mankinds had decided to assemble together to expand Utah and form a new synthetic continent, the continent of Utahtopia. T’was a continent free of all bigotry and dedicated to cultivating peace and love.
This is the story of the greatest love of all.
In the Alpha-Sector of J612 there lived a being by the name of Squ0nkus. He was not a human boy, nor was he a cow, but rather something inbetween. Nobody knows how such a hideous cow/boy fusion came to be but it did indeed happened.
Also in the Alpha-Sector of J612 there lived a girl. A regular, human, non-cow girl by the name of Shaydi.
Shaydi and Squ0nkus were drawn together from the moment they first met and had never left each others side since. They did evvything together! They raced hoverbikes together, they fought intergalactic evil together, they went panda hunting together, and they ate yummy panda sandwiches together, that was their favorite thing to do of all.
Every time they ate yummy panda sandwiches, Shaydi would ask, "Squ0nkus, do you think that wees shall be together forever until the end of times always?" And Squ0nkus would reply, "Yesness Shaydi, wees shall never leaves each others sides nevernevers, not even the radioactive death koala brigade with their grindy hurtpain shall tear uss aparts!"
Maybe you are thinking that Squ0nkus’ unfounded statements did remain accurate, but then you are INCORRECT! For the events that would indeed demolish this extraordinary relationship were just beginning to be set into motion.
At the very same time as all this absurd love nonsense was going on, "something" was happening. Something that would not have consequences of the positive variety. Something that would be, in fact, "bad".
SO, aneyways, that year Kraft had just released their brand new food type product into the market, "The Beefybeef Combo Kiddy Meal Packthing", and it was without a doubt, selling like the hotcakes. Well actually hotcake sales were down 79% so it was selling way better than the hotcakes.
The unquestioned popularity of this new product called for expansions of the beefybeef industry. More of teh cows had to be bred and more of them slaughtered. And then it happened.
Now, cows had been cooperative for quite some time with the fact that their carcasses are used in the creation of our delicious edible foods. But this time something snapped, this was the straw that broke the camel’s butt.
One cloudy thursday afternoon a group of cows in Epsilon-Sector X29 Foody Production District forcibly took control of the slaughterhouse. They tore apart all the instruments of cowdeath and used their components to craft powerful weapons of mandeath and proceeded to rampage through the streets.
Being a peaceful society with no need for such armaments, the people were powerless to stop the enraged bovines. By Sunday the entire sector had been captured and using a cow speech translation device in the neighboring "Moomoo Researchtech Centerbuilding", the cows publicly declared war on humanity.
As the war was beginning to begin there was no longer a feeling of acceptance toward such a boy who is also a cow. Thus, much to the resistance of Shaydi, Squ0nkus was forced into the local "Sciency Technoplaceplace" to undergo a process of DNA separation in the "Mattersplitty Awesomedevice".
He went in as one being and came out as a double being. Squ0nkus was still both a boy and a cow, just not in the same vessel.
Squ0nkus the boy was free to continue his new human existence in whatever way he desired, but Squ0nkus the cow was to be taken off to the nearest "cowcentration camp". Needyless to say, Shaydi was not the happys. She kicked and screamed and punched peoples faces all over the place but it was no use. Cowsqu0nkus was locked into a hovertransport and driven out of her field of vision for the first time in many years.
Boysqu0nkus tried to comfort her. "Don’t be with tha worry Shaydi, I am still the heres and we can still bees togethar for the alltime." he said.
Shaydi tried to remain optimistical and decided to continue her life with the human Squ0nkus.
They went on with their usual mayhem and sammich eating for a week or so until one day. As Squ0nkus was biting into his yummy panda sandwich, which would normally be when Shaydi would begin her "together forever always?" query, she uttered something very not the same at all.
"Squ0nkus, I be the sorries but I have come with the realizationyness that it was not yous that I loved but rather t’was the cow, I musht go to sees him goodbies." And with that Shaydi left, breaking their lovebond and Squ0nkus’ blood circulatory organ thingy along with it.
With the power of affection guiding her, Shaydi stormed into the cowcentration camp, beat the living poopcrap out of all the guards and rescued Cowsqu0nkus.
"Squ0nkus! You are teh 1 that I am wanting to be withs, I will follow yous wherever you leadgo!" she declared whilst squeezing that cow with all her might.
"Moo." replied Squ0nkus.
And so they journeyed! Shaydi did not know to where the Squ0nkcow was taking her but she didn’t care. Their togetherness was all that was relevantness.
Many made attempts at recapturing that cow but they all got beat down by this unstoppable duo. I say "unstoppable duo", yet were they really unstoppable? Were they really? WEERE THHAAAAYY REEEELLAAAY!!?? Maybe I should tell you. But first a little more stalling in order to build that suspense, GAAAAAAaaaaauuuuurrruuuugaaaaaaaa............ ok then.
The 2 quested onward through Beta-Sector K733, through Beta Sector Y92a, and through Gamma-Sector R181. It was as if Squ0nkus was being drawn forward by some indiscernible force.
They quested and quested and quested, reaching new levels of questitude never thought possible by even the questiest of peoples.
Finally, one foggy September morning they reached the Delta-Sector of Q44. This was unlike any of the sectors they had passed through. The surroundings seemed to give one the impression that the area had been affected by an earthquake, or possibly Mecha-Godzilla, or some other such natural disaster, and there were virtually no other people to be found.
Shaydi thought she saw someone sleeping on the steps of a nearby panda restaurant but he was surrounded by a peculiar ketchupy liquid and it was generally thought that this was something best left ignored.
Suddenly Squ0nkus stopped walking and stared blankly into the fog.
"What do bees the matter?" Shaydi asked.
She was met with no reply but started to hear noises of clopping. Something was beginning to emerge from the fog. Shaydi put her arms around Sq0nkus as a creature came into view. It was... a cow. A cow covered in titanium armor outfitted with a plethora of sawblades, needles, and other threatening things of the pointyness.
"MOOOO!" he bellowed out in the most disapproving tone a cow can presumably express.
"Moo mooomoo moomoomoo moo." replied Squonkus.
"MOOO Moomoo MOOMOOMOOmooMoO!" exclaimed the cow just before charging in the direction of Shaydi.
Squ0nkus dashed in front of her and was sliced by a spinning blade grafted to the cows left shoulder. As she watched Squ0nkus collapse to the ground Shaydi became overflowing with the rageys. She went into full on attack mode and lunged at the cow but almost instantly was stabbed in the arm by one of his many needles. An unknown fluid dispersed itself throughout her body and slowly everything became quite the opposite of bright.
So it would seem indeedily that the reign of cowness had been spreading to additional sectors each day as our lovestrunk heeros had been out on their journeying. But what was to become of the 2 after their anti-fortunate encounter? I shall commence with the telling... RIGHT NOW!:
Shaydi regained consciousness in a large indoor pit filled with a dozen or so others of her human-style species. In fact the area had previously been used for cattle auctions, but now it had been converted into a human deathcenter. Those who stood against the cows were thrown inside to die a slow, agonyizing death filled with ags and ony.
The walls were covered in a strange substance which, upon contact with human skin, would transmit numerous images of mutilated bunny fetuses into the mind. Nobody could possibly stand that much bunny fetus in one sitting and therefore escape seemed totally not the possible.
However the Shaydi would not give up so effortlessly. She tried everything taht she could think of to escape! She tried digging, she tried jumping, she tried dancing, she tried yodeling, she tried eating her own butt, she tried pulling her hair out and using it to fashion a replica of the world’s largest poison corndog museum, she tried marching around in circles singing the theme song to "Bob the Builder" for 79 straight hours, but to no avail.
Weeks passed. The others keeping Shaydi company had become far too feeble to move about and eventually all died. Only Shaydi remained as she had survived by eating the leftover yummy panda sandwiches in her pocket, but she made sure to save 2, in hopes that someday she would be reunited with Squ0nkus. She refused to accept the possibility that he had perished back there in Q44. She knew in her fart that he was still alive somewheres and she would find him again at all costs.
Yet her time was growing short and one day, whilst occupied in an attempt to create a lake of her own saliva so that she might swim to safety, she collapsed.
As she lie on her back in a puddle of drool, all she could do was stare at the rafters in the ceiling and remember all the happysquisho times she had with Squ0nkus. Suddenly, from the ceiling there came a beam of light and an entity slowly descended above her then came to a stop, hovering in midair. It was none other than Poodle Joe, everyone’s favorite mystical space poodle dudeman who always comes to help out when stories get written into the corners.
"Shaydi," he spoke. "I have forseen your predicament and have come here to endow you with amazing "Get out of Cattle Auction Houses Which Has Been Converted into Human Demise Centers" powers."
"No." replied Shaydi in a faint voice.
"But I can help reunite you with your lost love Squ0nkus," Poodle Joe continued. "I can give you the power to-"
"NO!" interrupted Shaydi in a slightly more demanding tone.
"Fine then [words from the original do not appear here]! Lay there an die! Die soaked in you own droooly drool! I’ll just go find some other story to move forward, I’m sure Tom Clancy will have some use for me!" And with that he was off, back up through the rafters and into the beyond.
Shaydi was uncertain of whether what just happened was real or merely an illusion, but either way she refused to give in to such a cheap method of plot progression. She had to do something though as she was becoming weaker with every time unit.
She reached into her pocket and took out one of the last yummy panda sandwiches she was saving. No sense in waiting to share it with Squ0nkus now as she knew if she didn’t eat it at this point then there was no hope of ever seeing him, or anything for that mattar, eva again.
She began to bring it to her mouth but her arms began to give out and her eyes began to close. Beganbeganbeganbegan! We are all so sick of that word. But nonetheless, Shaydi had no energy left for anything, she had given up. A tear rolled down her face and united with her saliva on the ground.
Just then... BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! A noise quite explodery in nature was heard. Shaydi darted her eyes and saw that a hole had been blasted into the wall above her. Debris flew into the pit and the building began to shake.
Shaydi knew this was her chance for the escaping, it had finally come. The hope surged back through her, providing the energy she required. Quickly, she ate that sandwich and climbed up the debris and out of that pit. The rafters came falling down but she dodged them and reached the exit just before the building gave way. HOOOORRRAAAAHH!!
Finally outside onse again, Shaydi found herself in the middle of a battle. The humans and cows were engaged in relentless combat. Humanity was not going to take this moomoo rebellion crap no longer. They had forged their weapons and at long last had begun to retaliate.
Shaydi avoided the madness as best she could but as she looked around it was clear that mankind was still at a disadvantage. Corpses littered the ground like litter, except instead of litter there was corpses. Just to make it clear we are not talking about kitty litter here, but I guess that really doesn’t even matter because there was no litter at all... only CORPSES!!
Shaydi escaped the battle and was off on her search for that cow she loved.
11 months passed. Shaydi had combed every inch of Q44 and all surrounding sectors whilst trying her best to avoid any conflict with the moocow soldiers, yet she still found no sign of Sq0nkus. With no idea where to go from here and as her blind determination was beginning to calm she concluded that she must take a break from her frenzied searching of the city in order to do some searching of her mind.
Thinking with all of the power of her headbrain, countless memories rushed past. Yes, Shaydi recalled many of the things. There was that time she and Squ0nkus went to the NumberNumber County Festival to meet their favorite number 58 in person but got kicked out for somehow accidentally killing everyone. There was the time she lost her first tooth (and her 2nd and 3rd and 4th) by diving headfirst into a pool filled with anti-water, which is just like normal water except not. Then there was that time she and Squ0nkus flew to Squigglecake Llamaland and defeated the malevolent overlord of cakeness right after drinking a bucket of paint thinner which they thought was soda. But none of these treasured memories gave her any clue to Squ0nkus’ whereabouts.
Shaydi sighed and took a look around. Next to her was a broken PictureMovieTransferObject (aka: TV). Almost instantly, this triggered a memory of relevancy.
The first time Shaydi even heard about this dreadyful war was while watching the PMTO. As she recalled, they mentioned the cow uprising began in a place called "Epsilon-Sector X29", and that the cows used a translator machine to announce their discontent with man.
Although Shaydi was unsure of whether Squ0nkus would be there or not, she thought that perhaps she could steal the machine and, somehow or another, use it to interrogate the cows. And so, she hopped to her feets and went off that place to find that thing.
Meanwhile, the conflict between mankind and bovine had escalated! By now the cows had gained control of over 1/3rd of Utahtopia. Yet the humans were just starting to attain the upperhandies and had actually succeeded in recapturing a number of sectors. However, news had spread that the cows had begun work on a new method of manslaughter, a devastating item know as the Udder of Melancholy.
Some of this news had indeed reached the ears of Shaydi. This only heartened her to move even quicker. She hijacked a hoverbike found lying around in Delta-Sector C61 and sped towards her destination at maximum velocimacicity... um, I mean "velocity". Yes, that is how you spell that word.
Shaydi on the other hand, no longer had any concern for things such as spelling, nor did she any longer have concern for stealth. She felt it in her soul, or perhaps her pancreas, that she had to move forward as quickly as possible.
Upon arrival at Epsilon-Sector X29 Foody Production District, Shaydi ditched her hoverbike and decided to lay low as the entire sector was swarming with the cows. She snuck around in the shadows and leapt across rooftops, being ultra mega careful not to be spotted by any of the cows or step in any of their horrible pies.
Off in the distance she noticed a tremendous, pink, dome-like structure unlike anything she had ever seen before on her travels. However outlandish it may have been, it seemingly had no direct significance to her current objective, so she ignored it and continued forward.
At last she made it to the Moomoo Researchtech Centerbuilding. Surveying the area, it appeared that all entrances were being heavily guarded.
"I shalls bee needing with the distraction." thought Shaydi.
AND SO! Grabbing a nearby cat, a pair of toenail clippers, a box of tampons and a hubcap, she didst create the ultimate distraction EVVvvVER! A distraction so very filled to the brim with distractitude that even telling you what it was would probably distract you from reading any further.
Once inside, Shaydi still had more searching left to doo. Hiding behind corners and inside file cabinets and the like, she continued to keep herself hidden from the moobeasts. Yet here, it appeared, that they were completely unarmored. For they were cows of science and had little need for such menacing equipment.
After a bit more of the sneakiness Shaydi heard a familiar sound. Something she hadn’t heard in quite a many of the whiles, the shound of actual language that didn’t consist of the word "moo". She could barely make it out.
"Listen to mee, I am a human." it said.
One of her fellow species thingos needed rescuing it seemed. Shaydi quickly made her way to the source of the vocalization, a room at the end of a hall on the 3rd floor.
She exploded through the door only to find a cow speaking into a machine. This really was something which should’ve been obviously obvious, especially considering that this was what she had been searching for in the first place, but Shaydi’s brain was on a temporary vacation in espionage land so can you really blame her for such a slip-up. Yes I suppose you cans, but whateva.
"GAAA, A HuMaN!!" yelled the cow, or rather, yelled the device of which he was making his moomoo noises into.
Shaydi made up her mind that now was a better time than any to set her plan into action.
"Otay moocow, you are to be with the tellings of what knowledge haves you of Squ0nkus!" she demanded.
"Mooomoo!/Never!" replied the cow/machine.
"WAAGA! So you do knows of he! Where do be-eth his location?" Shaydi saids.
"Moo/Oh we TOOK CARE of him, that is all you need to know." replied the cow/device.
"NOOOOOOOOs!! What did yoou DOOOOs!" yelled Shaydi. "Tells me or I shall starts with the mad cowtippy rampageness!".
"MOOOO!/HEEELP!" yelled the cow/translatorthing.
Without delay, half a dozen mooguards stormed into the room and surrounded Shaydi. She tried to duck behind the unarmored cow, but her actions were not quite as filled with the speedies as they should have been, and once again she was stabbed by a needle.
The last thing she noticed before slipping into the dark was the cows... destroying the device. So it would appear that they were no longer willing to risk their horrendous schemes falling into the knowledge of those who do not speak the words of moo.
This time when the awareness returned to Shaydi she found herself locked in a cage, seemingly in the basement of the same building. For the first few moments of her awakening time she was filled with the determination for escapage, but that willpower soon shattered upon the recollection of recent events.
With the translator device and presumably Squ0nkus as well eliminated, Shaydi’s hope/optimism/motivation type stuff suffered a similar fate. The chances of ever finding her lovecow ever again had been pummeled into something quite similar to zero. There were no ideaplans left in that area betwixt her organs of the listening.
Shaydi had always relied on Squ0nkus for all that was positive about her reality. Without him she had nothing. As the tears rolled down her face like the ability to generate decent metaphors rolls away from my mind, she reached into her coat pocket and took out her endwhistle.
And now it is time to explain some of them things. Utahtopia was a society quite sympathetic to those in the pondering of the termination of their existence. For none of them asked to be brought into this world, so therefore should they not have every right to leave if felt necessary? And so, every being, upon their 11th birthday, was given an endwhistle.
For most it was merely a symbol, a constant reminder of the importance of finding ones own way of enjoying their cycle of lifeness. But for those who’s way had been lost (which was a rare occurrence in such a society of joyjoys), they would only have to give the whistle a single tweet in order to summon Wibbles, a tremendous, flying, demon-stegosaurus who would rise from teh depths of the hells and fire his fantastical kidney beam into the endwhistler, transporting their kidneys into his evergrowing collection and allegedly resulting in a quick, painless demise.
Being prepared to exit this terrible land which had taken from her all that she cared for, Shaydi brought the endwhistle to her lips and gave it a good tweeting.
"FWEEEEEEE!!" went that whistle.
Yet right after the fwee of whistling, she did hear yet another sound, a sound which she had been longing to hear yet again for what seemed like a lifetime.
"MOOoooO!" it went.
For it was the sound of Squ0nkus. Yes, in fact he had been sleeping right next to her in the same cage the whole [words from the original do not appear here.] time and the whistle had startled him from his slumber.
"Squ0nkus!!!" Shaydi yelled as she immediately latched onto him to make sure he was not some kind of illusion, or should I say ill"moo"sion, hehehe, no wait I definitely shouldn’t say that, that’s totally gay. But nonetheless, Shaydi’s vast elation entirely overpowered all thoughts that she probably should have taken a good look around BEFORE blowing into that whistle.
As she embraced the cow and let loose her many tears of the happo, what she failed to notice was the dark swirling vortex forming at the center of the room, followed by the release of an intense black fog and a shimmering gooey substance which gradually shaped itself into the horrendous demonbeast that is... Wibbles.
"Whooo hath summoned me!" he bellowed out in a tone quite fitting to a demonbeast.
"WWWAAAA!" yelped Shaydi. "I forgotded abouts thatguy!"
"SO it was YOU!" said Wibbles. "Are you and your kidneys prepared to meet your fate!"
"NOOOs!" said Shaydi. "My mindbrain has met with the changeys!"
"Well too [words from the original do not appear here.] bad!" replied Wibbles. "I haven’t met my kidney quota for this month yet and if I go home empty handed my wife will like totally kill me and stuff."
Wibbles got into the proper stance and fired his fantastical kidney beam straight at Shaydi.
"YYYYAAAAAA! This bees neither the quick nor the painless!" she screamed as the beam engulfed her.
However, in the process the beam also busted apart the cage, freeing Squ0nkus. And as he heard Shaydi screeching at the top of her lungs, a surge of moocow power spread through him and yaddayaddayadda. He lunged himself with the vigor of an entire herd into Wibbles.
Squ0nkus’ horns sunk through the mighty stegosaurus’s hide, puncturing both of his kidneys.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" roared Wibbles as he proceeded to spin around in the air, becoming more and more misshapen.
Shaydi & Squ0nkus stood back and watched as he twirled about and let off many of the sparks until finally he, I dunno, transformed into a porkchop or somthin. The gruesome details of his death are not important, but indeed he had met with a fitting end.
From this point forth people would have to go back to committing their sewercides the old fashioned way... by dressing up as Hello Kitty and skipping into the nearest enraged wolverine convention.
But as usual none of this sort of crap mattered to Shaydi as she finally had obtained that which she had desired... or did she?
Shaydi was eternally grateful to Squ0nkus for saving her glittery, adolescent kidneys, so she continued to follow him along, just as they had been doing over one year ago.
Squ0nkus lead her from the basement, into the basement’s basement. Apparently whatever he had been seeking was in fact within that very building.
From that basement, they went down into yet another, and another, and so on until reaching a spiraling staircase which descended as far as the eye could sees.
As they made their way down the stairs, Shaydi’s feelings of affection gradually became slightly less intense, and through it all, deep into her soul/heart/spirit/whatever she discovered that there was still a feeling of emptiness.
Yes, finally, after all these months, she was beginning to miss Squ0nkus the boy. The Squ0nkus who would laugh. The Squ0nkus who would say things other than "moo". The Squ0nkus who would do various other non-cow activities.
Shaydi now felt like a total pee-pee-urine-head for what she had done to him, and became filled with dread about his fate as the cows had surely taken over Alpha-Sector J612 by now. But she thought it best to put those sorts of thingos behind her and concentrate on how lucky she was to even be with Squ0nkus the cow.
After nearly a vertical mile, the staircase finally finally FINALLY came to an end. Apparently, whoever said that cows can’t walk down stairs had never met Squ0nkus.
At the bottom there was but a single door. Squ0nkus motioned for Shaydi to use her awesome opposable thumb powers to open it.
THIS was it! Whatever was behind this door was what they had been searching for after so many days and weeks and months and etceteras. Then again it would be foolish to assume such things. Perhaps the door would lead to a massive labyrinth of convoluted turmoil that would take decades to traverse, but that probably wouldn’t happen.
Thus, Shaydi did open that door. On the other side... they did not find a sea of golden puppies, nor even a sea of copper puppies. Rather instead there was a small filthy room with a strange contraptiony contraption.
Squ0nkus just stood there, staring at the apparatus. He had indeed reached his destination. Shaydi stared as well. She did not know what it was or how to operate it, but it seemed like she had seen it before.
Then it hit her like a can of mustard, no wait mustard doesn’t hit people... or does it??? Nevermind. What Shaydi realized was taht the machine in this room looked quite similar to the Mattersplitty Awesomedevice. That one dreadful machine which had caused her wonderful happylife back home to come to an end. But why would Squ0nkus bring her to another one of those things?
Then it hit her like a fat man with a ferret sewed to his head, no wait those don’t hit people either, unless the ferret gets angry then hoo boy you better watch out because- AAAG forget it! Shaydi’s 2nd realization about this machineio was that it most likely had the opposite affect of the Awesomedevice. That it could in fact bring Squ0nkus and Squ0nkus back together as a single being. That had to be it, she thought. Why else would Squ0nkus bring her there?
Shaydi looked around the rest of the room. All she found was a desk with some sciency type papers dated 17 years ago. Had it really been that long since anyone had been down here?
She tried to read the papers but they were filled with many complex wordies beyond her limited comprehension. One paper in particallir caught her eye. Sprawled across it, written in red ink was the phrase "ExperimentTesty XX77291B failededed, componentpiece absent, specimen 613 missings, project terminationness imminentgogo happyblah". She didn’t know what the crap that meant either but it seemed more significant than the rest.
Squ0nkus continued to stand there staring around the room. He didn’t seem to know what all this junk was for either, but then why had he come here?
Just then Shaydi remembered somthin’. Now that the 2 of them finally had a private moment to relax, she could at last give him the final yummy panda sandwich she had been saving.
It mattered not that it had been in her pocket for over a year and was covered in all sorts of gunk and barely even resembled a sandwich at all at this point, she had to share it with him as she had a funny feeling that this may be her last chance ever. So she tore that sandwich in half and they both sat down to eat it with the consuming.
"Squ0nkus," Shaydi asked after taking a bite. "Do you think that wees shall be together forever until the end of times always?"
"Moo." replied Squ0nkus.
It just wasn’t the same as before. The intense feeling of reassurance that would typically engulf Shaydi was all gone for some strange reason.
The 2 of them both made with the pukeyness all over the floor after eating that filthy sammich, then felt a bit nauseous and lied down to take a nap.
After a nightmare involving giant origami kangaroos inflicting dozens of agonizing papercuts upon her, Shaydi was startled awake. At first she thought it may have been an after effect of the nightmare, but she could hear faint noises.
Partly drowned out by the buzzy flicker of the room’s fluorescent lighting, it sounded as though, far above on the surface, people were yelling and things were going booms. She became terrorified and awoke Squ0nkus.
"Squ0nkus, Squ0nkus, are yous listening with your earses to that noise?" she said.
They both sat and stared at the ceiling for nearly an hour, too afraid to leave the room. Then they began to hear another noise, just barely at first, but it became louder and louder. It was the sound of footsteps. Someone else was descending that staircase.
Shaydi had never experienced such extreme terror before. She thought of finding a place to hide but couldn’t even move. She could only stand there sweating and awaiting whatevar destiny had in store.
The footsteps clanging against the metal of the stairs kept getting more and more high in volume. Whoever was out there seemed to be in a hurry.
As the doorknob turned, Shaydi’s heart was beating with such an intensity that it literally began to beat her other organs.
"OOWCH MY BLADDER!" she yelled as the door opened to reveal... none other than... that guy who’s name happened to be..................
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTAR THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK!
Come to Cap’n Buppo’s Concrete Seafood Jamboree for the very best in concrete seafood. Located off of I-275 in ThatPlace county.
AND NOW BACK TO OUR STORY!
......... Squ0nkus. But Squ0nkus was still right next to Shaydi and could not be in 2 places at once, could he? Of course he could! He always was. And his other half was standing right there in the doorway, garbed in the official armor of the Powerfighty Battleforce human army.
"SHAYDI?!? It you?" he queried.
"SQU0NKUS!!!" yelled Shaydi who was overcome with relief and joy and other such positive emotions.
"Shtand back, I shalls save yoo from that moocow and his bloodthirsty thirstthirst!" said Squ0nkus as he unsheathed his newly forged Mega Mega Cowtippy Cyberblade.
"NOOOOs!" Shaydi cried. "Squ0nkus, do you not be with the recognizing ofs dis cow. HE ISS YOUS!"
"Holey crapnessnessness!" exclaimed Squ0nkus upon gaining the awareness that he had nearly come close to committing ".5 suicide".
So, now that them things had been settled, Shaydi and Squ0nkus got to the conversing. Squ0nkus explained that he had joined the Powerfighty Battleforce shortly after Shaydi had left him and that they were now engaged in a direct attack on the cow’s central base here in X29.
He did not suspect that he would find Shaydi in this room, but rather he had been drawn here much in the same way as his cownterpart.
"Doo you knows what is the purposefunction of this room and that contraptathingy?" Shaydi asked whilst pointing towards the machine.
"Nopers," said Squ0nkus. "But I feel the sensing of familiarity in heres". Shaydi grinned and said "Whatevas. Squ0nkus, I realize now that I AM in with the loves of you, at least no lesss than 50% so dat is. Pleeese stay with me and other you for all of the rest of forevers, pleeeeese."
Squ0nkus hung his head replied "Shaydi, no, I’m affraid that that cannot come to pass with the happenings, you see, the moocows, they-"
Just then a bizarre mechanical voice was heard, "300!" It said, coming from the direction of the surface.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!" shrieked Squ0nkus. "Shaydi, this is what I was in the tryings of saying, the moomoos they, they-"
"290!" The voice continued, apparently counting down every 10 seconds.
"Whats?" Asked Shaydi in a frightened tone.
And thus, Squ0nkus proceeded to give those details to Shaydi. The voice was coming from none other than the Udder of Melancholy, a colossal, pink, udder-shaped dome over 2 miles in diameter.
Upon completion it was intended to be used as something of a giant sprinkler, but instead of water it would spray milk... Grade-X milk. This was the sort of milk that cows produce only when they are mad as [words from the original do not appear here.]. It does no harm to fellow bovines of course, but to humans it will tear through the flesh quicker than a school of acid zombie piranhas. And with the power of the Udder of Melancholy it could be sprayed across the entirety of Utahtopia, putting an end to humanity FOR GOOD! And this was all to be happening in... "210!" seconds.
Shaydi panicked and then asked if they would be safe down here so far under that ground, but Squ0nkus told her that if anything, this was the absolute worst place to be. For even if it had been Grade-A milk they would still die as it would completely flood the tunnel.
Shaydi panicked again, hysterically running around in circles, then ocatagons, then squares, then triangles. Then she came to a stop.
"Wait! This machinething," she said. "I thinks that maybe it cans be bringing both halves of the you back together. At least you can be being 100% Squ0nkus before we are deadceased."
"But whats if it willn’t work in the desired way of which we want the working to bees?" ssked Squ0nkus.
"Then I shalls enter in with you," said Shaydi. "Then we can be the together no matter whats."
So the 2 of them frantically searched for a way to activate the machine.
"Moo!" said Squ0nkus the cow while motioning towards an oversized, flashing green button with the word "ON" printed on it in huge red letters.
"Not now Me, wees be looking for how to make with the machine activations." replied Squ0nkus the boy.
"Moomooo..." sighed cow Squ0nkus as he pressed the button himself.
The machine lit up with all sorts of multicolored blinking gizmos and a ball of some kind of electric energy appeared inside.
"30!" the Udder of Melancholy shouted.
"Yaaaa hurryhurryhurry!" screamed Shaydi as she grabbed both Squ0nkus halves and dragged them all into the device, coming into contact with the energy sphere.
Light enveloped them.
What was to become of our protagonisers! Did they emerge as some sort of repulsive gooey mass of girl, boy and cow? Were they transported to another world where cows and humans live in peeeace and everybody eats guano instead of beef? Mmmm, sweet, sweet guano... OR, will I just end the story here and leave it open to interprematation? NO! I shall tell you what events did follow, but first some more of the things shall be needing to be explainds.
The device of which our heros had entered was none other than the "Moomoo Hypermaxi Fusionmabob". A machine developed many years ago by human science dudes to utilize the power of the earth’s core for the purpose of combining man and cow to unleash an entity spoken of in ancient cattle scriptures. All previous attempts at fusion had resulted in atrocious genetic mistakes, for a 3rd unknown constituent seemed to be required and eventually the project was shut down.
But now, years later, the final component had been found. Shaydi was that component. Love was that component. GAAAAK! I can’t belive I just wrote that crap! But it is true. Love. The love for both a boy and a cow.
"20!" sounded the robotty voice which could be heard across many numbers of miles.
All of humanity awaited their impending ending. Some prayed, some stared into tha sky, some stayed glued to their PMTOs for live footage of the crisis, and then of course there were those who ran around screaming "WA WA WA, WE GONNA DIE, BLARDY BLARDY WAGA!!!!"
Meanwhile, back deep below the earth’s surface, the blinding lights in the room vanished. Out of the machine emerged Squ0nkus, Shaydi and Squ0nkus in their new form of singularityness.
They had become the ultimate cow, they had become... the DYNAMICOW! A being of unfathomable power surrounded by an luminous yellow blaze.
Acting with the haste, the Dynamicow shot itself upwards breaking through the many layers of planety soil. It blasted through the earths crust and up into the surface where it continued to fly over the still active battlefield at immeasurable velocity.
"10!" sounded that nasty udder.
"9!, 8!" it sounded again now counting down each second.
Upon reaching the Udder of Melancholy, the Dynamicow came to a stop turned around and let out an earthshattering "MMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" so loud that it overshadowed the number "7!". It was heard all across Utahtopia, and everywhere it was heard, the rage of the cows was quelled. For they knew that their savior had come and he had told them that from this point on, things would be down with the okiedokies.
"6!" the udder sounded just before being pierced by Dynamicow’s mighty horns.
"5!" it yelled while being pried loose from the ground, leaving behind an entire canyon.
"4!" it hollered as it was lifted into the air.
"3!" it said as Dynamicow shot upwards into the sky.
"2!" it shouted upon leaving Earth’s atmosphere.
"1!" it bellowed as Dynamicow jumped to lightspeed, zooming off, quite appropriately, yet unintentionally, into the milky way.
And so that was that. Back on Earth the cows and humans ended their war and decided to try once again to get along.
Of course humanity could never give up it’s delicious beefybeef. Many cows were still bred for slaughter, but from this point it was done in moderation.
In addition, an agreement was settled upon which allowed cows the right to breed humans for use in their own food products. The cows didn’t much care for the taste of humanburgers, but they ate them anyways, for the sake of equality.
And what did become of the Dynamicow AKA Squ0nkusSqu0nkusShaydi? They were in fact not obliterated in the explosion, they blasted onwards uncontrollably, going faster and faster until they became a beam of pure light energy.
They traveled all across the universe. Of course they did go on to destroy a number of planets in their path, including the planet of the eggnog bunnies, but as always, none of that really mattered because finally they’s could be together forever until the end of time always, never leavesing each others sides nevernevers and not even the radioactive death koala brigade with their grindy hurtpain could tear thems aparts.
--by Nic DeStefano